This past week was exhausting. It was a week of Career Services stuff, made up of mostly 1-2 hour sessions on various topics like networking, interviewing, types of legal jobs, etc. I came into it thinking it'd be pretty light fluff, but came out actually pretty stressed. Some days were just ridiculously long (8am-6pm). It was actually really good to see classmates again, see how everyone's winter breaks had gone. I was looking forward to school actually, even though my grades weren't as hot as I'd hoped. But after a week of this career stuff, I came home feeling like I wanted to throw up.

It's true that they stress the law firm job when you're in law school. After all, the statistics are pretty high for students to ultimately end up in firms. Something like 80% or higher? So it makes sense that that takes up a majority of Career Services. But I fear that it's also somewhat of a perpetuating cycle. You stress the firm, students will think the firm. I myself got pretty suckered in, and have applied to tons of firms for this summer, and been ready to get all the rejection letters. I've let myself get pretty dejected over receiving these letters too. The thing is (and I'm having this revelation because I have to constantly remind myself), I'm not even hoping to get a firm job this summer. My goal was supposed to be to get a government job! And even considering the long run, it would behoove me to try the government route out during my 1L summer, as opposed to next summer, so why am I letting myself get so down when it looks as if I won't get a firm job?

It's apparent I've been brainwashed by the system. I've been semi-aware of the possibility, but nothing could prepare me for the effect. I'm so sickened when I hear my friends getting their summers figured out because they're getting interviews and offers from firms. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for them as well, but I'm sickened for myself because it's another reminder that I have absolutely nothing figured out. And yet... I was not supposed to want what they have. So why am I so affected?

I see that I've come against what may be a new pattern in my life, now that I've begun law school. It's this pattern of what I should desire, and what I do desire. I realize that I've lost myself in the game... I've forgotten why I'm here. It's so easy to do, and that scares me. But hanging out with non-law school friends (or the ones less "in the game" at least), and going to church, and doing me-things (hey... didn't I once like art?) really remind me of who I was... and really, who I still am. I must remember myself... because it will only get harder from here on out.